and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
