I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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