i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
