We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
