for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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