Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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