We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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