Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
