I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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