my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
