I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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