I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
