The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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