for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
