he wants to bone in the snuggie
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
