i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
