Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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