So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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