so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
