my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
