So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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