i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
