I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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