i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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