I don't usually arrange sex via text message
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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