why didn't you poke me back
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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