he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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