I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
