Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
