I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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