seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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