ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
