dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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