Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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