Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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