Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
