I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
