This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
