The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
