Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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