I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
