Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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