Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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