your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
