did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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