ugly people sure do ruin things
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
