It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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