just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
