chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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