Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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