I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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